The Most Important Post of All

I am not about to tell you how I’m planning to surf the rest of my life away. I am not going to detail the scenic views or the incredible kindness I experience each day here; nor am I preparing to fill you in on the minute details of my everyday life abroad.

I am simply preparing to be painfully honest, and in the spirit of honesty, I must confess: I’m scared to put these incredibly intimate thoughts out here for the world (*cough cough* my Facebook friends) to see. I may be ready to etch these thoughts into my very skin, but it seems more prudent to apply pressure to the keyboard at my fingertips to bring these realizations to the forefront.

The backstory: I come from a long line of Catholics. I grew up in Catholic school, sang in choirs, attended Bible studies, went on a mission trip, posted Bible verses as Twitter statuses, and attended Mass every Sunday with my family. I was proud of my faith, and my faith was a huge identifier of who I was growing up and in high school.

I went to college. I immediately immersed myself in a local Church, going twice a week while prayer journaling and Bible studying with friends in my dorm.

My pride was in my supposed “relationship with God,” when, in all actuality, I had no relationship at all. I had pride in a concept of who I had made myself become. I am a walking cliché, and, slowly but surely, yet another college freshmen fell away from the faith. As I listened to sermons that conflicted with the teachings I had learned growing up, took an Intro to Philosophy class detailing religion around the world, and had a few too many alarming conversations with Christians, my heart hardened.

I had so many questions and so many prayers that I would ask anyone who would listen, God included-silence.

I talked to a priest-silence.

I’d cry to my roommate-silence.

I stopped believing-silence.

I even went as far to disown my faith entirely to my family-silence.

I had not been able to hear a single thing from God in over a year before I came here. I had proclaimed myself Agnostic, washed my hands of it all, packed my bags, got my behind out of the Bible belt, and moved to Costa Rica.

Noise. Noise. Noise.

The now: Y’all, incredible things are happening here in Puntarenas. When I met all these people getting off the plane, I knew they would affect my life, but I never knew just how irrevocably. Today, Tuesday, February 16th, I am reclaiming my Christianity, and it is all because of them. I’ve fought it the whole way coming, but I can no longer deny the Holy Spirit moving through each and every moment here.

As conversations get deeper and deeper I am seeing more and more of the same. We are all broken in our own ways, and we’re being pieced back together here in Costa Rica. I’m growing everyday into the person I want to be for the rest of my life. FaceTime conversations with the Katie I mention earlier in this blog actually hit the nail on the head, “It was literally like your heart was a stone. There was nothing anyone could have possibly done,” to, “You are glowing.”

I truly believe that my eyes have been closed for a reason only to be opened again in God’s time. His timing is so perfect. When I had completely given up, He came looking for me. I teared up typing that last sentence because that’s one thing I’ve come to realize more than anything-we have absolutely no control. I have no control of whether or not I will wake up tomorrow, no control of this mustard seed of faith that is mine, and no control of where this life will take me. Ojalá-It’s all God willing. I cannot take pride in a relationship with God or even who God has made me to be or what he’s allowed me to do because it’s all God willing. Quite the opposite actually-I can only be humbled, and I can only be thankful, and this a season of unequivocal humility and thankfulness in my life.

Thank you, Lord, for going silent. I never would have known that I never even knew you to begin with. Thank you for consciously placing each of us together to find you again. I pray that you will continue this spiritual journey in my heart-I know it is only the beginning. As I continue to question who You are and what this is, continue to break me down and rebuild me until I am who you need me to be. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.